Falling to Pieces
by DrMeredithGrey
Summary: Things went a bit differently after Derek chose Addison, but then Meredith returns to Seattle Grace Hospital seven months later under the worst of circumstances. MerDer.
1. Prologue

A/N: This is something that just popped into my head, because I'm feeling depressed and angsty after that episode, even though it was necessary, I just hope everything works out. Anyway, this is not a happy piece, but it is Mer/Der by all means. So, read, review, enjoy. I am almost done with the next part of Happily Ever After, I'm just feeling dark and twisty, and having trouble with that one at the moment, but I will continue it soon. I hate writing two fics at once, but what are ya gonna do when inspiration hits? I do want to try to continue this, so please give me your feedback!!

* * *

_"Derek…" Her voice was quiet and hesitant._

_"Addison? What do you need? I just-"_

_"You need to come back to the hospital." Her voice was shaking, and laced with what he could only assume as shock._

_"Is everything alright?" His tone was annoyed, etched with the barest hint of concern._

_"It's Meredith."_

* * *

With those two little words, Derek Shepherd tuned out everything else his wife said to him on the phone, only catching a word here or there. When you are married to someone for eleven years, you pick up on their moods, and by Addison's tone of voice, Derek knew Meredith was in trouble. He did not even stop to think why Addison would immediately call him, or to even listen to his wife's explanation. Derek's mind was focused on one thing and one thing alone: getting to Meredith. The fear of what could have happened assaulted his system so quickly, he felt as if he was being consumed by it. Along with the fear, there was a paralyzing wave of guilt in how things had ended between them. A million questions ran through his mind. Why was she back at Seattle Grace after seven months? What could have happened to her?

* * *

_She was crying. Hot, angry tears were streaming down her cheeks, hanging onto the sharp curve of her chin like dewdrops to the grass at dawn. She did not wipe her tears away, she just stood there as though the tiniest movement would bring the world crashing down around her. _

_"You're staying with her."_

_"She's my wife."_

_He was informed of her transfer to Mercy West the next day_

* * *

It felt like an eternity before he reached the parking lot of Seattle Grace Hospital. Pulling haphazardly into a spot, he yanked the keys out of the ignition and started toward the entrance, not concerned with whether he had left the car unlocked, or his headlights on. Nothing existed around him; he could not focus on anything but getting into that hospital to make sure Meredith was OK. Just the thought of her being so close sent a ripple of excitement through him. The last time he had seen Meredith Grey was the day he told her he was staying with Addison. The knowledge of the pain he had caused her was something he had been forced to live with for the past seven months. It wasn't easy working with her friends, either, who resented him for being the reason Meredith transferred hospitals. Even Richard had given him the cold shoulder, for he always looked at Meredith as a daughter to him. That was seven months ago, seven months since he had let Meredith Grey go, and he had regretted his decision every day since then.

He found Addison first. Her face was pale, a sickly white compared to her usual porcelain complexion. Her eyes were swollen and red; she looked exhausted. When she saw him approaching, he saw many emotions flash through her eyes: fear, pity, anger, and finally sadness. His throat constricted, as he thought for sure that he was too late. Something had happened to Meredith and he was too late. He would never get the chance to tell her that he made the wrong choice, that he loved her with everything that he was, and he had been a shell of himself since the day she left. He would never look into her eyes that seemed to change between a blue-green to a bright grey, but always carried that sparkle that made her so irresistible. He would never smell the lavender in her hair again, or hold her tiny frame in his arms, which seemed to fit so perfectly against his that it almost seemed impossible that two people could fit together like they did, as if they were made for each other. Tears blurred his vision, and he could feel the bile rising in his throat. He hadn't even realized that he was standing in front of Addison now, lost in his own world of grief and worry.

"Derek." Her voice was steadier now, almost too professional. "I…don't even know where to begin. You should sit down."

"No." He snapped, not caring about the harshness of his voice. "Just tell me. How is she? Is she alive?"

"She…she is alive, but that's not…" She paused, allowing him to collect himself. He let out the breath he didn't even know he was holding, squatting down to the ground and scrubbing his hands over his face. She was OK, she was alive, that was all that really mattered to him at the moment. "Derek. There's more. I really think we should go sit down for this."

"I want to see her."

"First, you need to hear this." Her voice was clipped, and losing its patient tone. She sounded hurt also, which he couldn't blame her for. Seeing his reaction to the possibility of losing a woman he hadn't seen in seven months isn't exactly something a wife wants to see. He simply nodded, knowing he wasn't going to win this fight. The sooner she said what she had to say, the sooner he could see Meredith.

"I was on call… and I got a page that they were air-lifting a patient from Mercy West to here that would need immediate emergency surgery. I…they arrived...and it was Meredith. At first I wondered why they paged me, until I saw her…" She took a deep, shuddering breath. "She was out cold…from the loss of blood. I…Derek, she was pregnant. Seven months to be exact. But there were complications. She had severe vaginal bleeding and…" Addison took a deep breath, forcing down her emotions. "The baby…the baby was stillborn. I..I did everything I could do. I'm so sorry Derek."

Derek just hung his head and sobbed.

* * *

A/N: I know, I know! Evil! But angsty/emotional Mer/Der reunion to come! Please review! 


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Thanks for all of the reviews, it was really encouraging. I know it was SUPER angst and it is not going to get better right away, but I am a sucker for happy endings. But please keep reviewing and let me know what you think of the story!!

_"Meredith, we are going to airlift you to Seattle Grace, you know you and your baby have the best chance by going there."_

_"No! No, I can't…I can't. I can't go there. Not now."_

_"If you want your baby to live, you will."_

They wouldn't let Derek see her. The other interns had not been told yet about Meredith Grey's sudden return to Seattle Grace. Besides Derek, the only other people who were aware were Addison, Bailey, and the Chief. Addison had been adamant with those assisting her while she treated Meredith to not speak a word about what was going on. It would get out soon enough, but she wanted to keep it under wraps as long as possible. Addison leaned against the wall outside the door leading to Meredith's room. Rubbing a hand over her tired eyes, she sighed. Bailey and the Chief were currently trying to keep her husband calm. It still made her insides twist remembering the look on his face when he found out. For the past seven months, Meredith Grey had been carrying his child. At first, Addison was angry. How could Meredith keep something like this from her husband for all this time? Married or not, Derek had a right to know. After the anger had subsided, Addison slowly was able to understand why Meredith did what she did. She couldn't imagine what it was like for her when Derek had chosen working on their marriage over staying with her. The whole situation was unfair to Meredith and she was thrown into it without getting a choice in the matter. They were all victims in this.

The pain hit before she even opened her eyes. It was intense, but it was a dull, lingering pain that immediately led her to believe that she was on some sort of pain medication. She was experiencing the leftover dull, aching pain that seeped deep into her bones. Meredith then realized she wasn't sure of her surroundings or why she was feeling so disoriented. Panic clawed at her throat as she opened her mouth to call for someone, anyone. The room was too bright, the white lights harsh against her sensitive eyes, causing them to tear up. Something was terribly wrong, but she couldn't even consider what it could be. Her head was swimming, and it was a struggle to even form a coherent thought.

"Dr. Grey…how are you feeling?"

"Dr. Shepherd?" Her voice was scratchy, and the effort of talking sent a burning sensation down her throat. Her eyes darted across the room to where the tall woman with shining red hair had entered. This confused Meredith even more. Why was Addison here? The last time Meredith had seen the leggy surgeon had been the day she left Seattle Grace. "What-what happened? Why am I here?" Addison did not respond right away, allowing the situation to sink in before Meredith started to panic. "Where's my baby? What happened??"

"Meredith…" Addison let go of the professional tone, knowing there was nothing professional about the situation they were in. "You need to stay calm."

"Don't tell me to stay calm. I want to know where my baby is!" Meredith's throat felt as if it was on fire as her voice increased in volume. Hot tears sprung to her eyes as she saw the pity in Addison's. "No…" It was a pleading, desperate moan. "You can't…you can't take her away from me!!! She's all I have left, she's all I have!!" She was almost screaming now, and deep inside her subconscious Meredith knew she should not be letting herself get worked up. The monitors she was hooked up to beeped at a frantic rate. Addison stepped toward the bed and pushed against Meredith's shoulders to keep her lying down, and Meredith was surprised at how her body did not resist.

"Meredith, if you do not stay calm, I'll have to sedate you." Addison's usually confident voice sounded unsettled and shaky. "You're at Seattle Grace, they airlifted you here…do you remember?" Meredith could only nod in response, a feeling of numbness slowly spreading throughout her body. "There were complications, and there was some bleeding that your ultrasounds were not catching….by the time I was able to…it was too late. I'm so sorry Meredith, I did everything I could."

"H-how…" Meredith let out a strangled, tortured laugh. Addison was taken aback by her reaction. She continued to speak, her voice cold and bitter. "She was kicking yesterday…and today I noticed…I thought she was just having a calm day." Her shining eyes looked up to the redhead looking down at her with an unidentifiable look in her eyes. "He left me to be with you, I guess it's ironic that you'd be here when I lose the only reminder I had of him…of us." It was then she started to cry, a pained wailing that even made tears spring to Addison's eyes. The woman could only stand there and watch the tiny blonde crumple right before her eyes. Watching her cry over the loss of her child pained Addison as well. She was reminded of the child she got rid of, because it was her husband she had wanted a child with, not Mark. She was also pained by the thought that all these months that she and Derek had been trying to make their marriage work; Meredith Grey had been carrying his child. Alone.

"I…I wish you would have told him. Us. You didn't have to run." Addison wasn't exactly sure why she was bringing this up now after the young woman just learned that she lost her child. She just couldn't help it.

"What other choice did I have? And I didn't run because of the baby. I ran because I was broken and I needed to be away from here to put the pieces back together." Meredith's eyes were now overflowing with tears, as they slid soundlessly down her cheeks. "I found out I was pregnant after I continued my residency at Mercy West. By then, I couldn't come back. I wouldn't. I wouldn't be looked at as the slutty intern who went and go herself pregnant." These were things Meredith never would have told Addison. She never opened up to anyone anymore, besides the occasional phone call to Cristina to tell her how she was doing. Cristina knew about the baby because Meredith knew she could trust Cristina to keep it to herself. She looked up again, seeing the shock and sadness in Addison's face and sighed. She might as well tell her the rest.

"Derek…I don't know how he felt about me, but I loved him. I loved him and it wasn't just a meaningless fling for me. So that's why I had to leave and that's why I didn't tell him about the baby." A thought suddenly occurred to her. "Derek…does he know?"

"He knows." Was all Addison could reply, shocked by the young woman's sudden outburst. The confession shook her to the core. She loved Derek, and the messed up thing was, she knew Derek loved her back. That year, after Meredith had left Seattle Grace,Derek had fallen into a depression. He just lived every day going through the motions, with no spark, no purpose. Around Christmas, Addison had enough of his behavior and called him out on it. He had gotten angry, angrier than she had ever seen him. That night he told her that he had fallen in love with Meredith, that night she knew her marriage wasn't salvageable.

"You can't keep me from seeing her!" Derek ran his hands through his hair desperately, pacing the office at a frantic pace. His hands were shaking, and his face was a sickly pale color.

"You're in not in any shape to see her, and you know that. We are all surprised by this, but you can't just go barging into a recovering patient's room." Bailey's voice was strong and commanding, although she worried for her former intern as well. It had shocked her to see Meredith Grey lying on that gurney, unconscious.

"I-that-it was MY baby!" He cried out, turning and slamming his fist against the wall.

"Yes, it was. But I still can't let you go in there."

"She's not your patient, she's Addison's." His voice was angry and defensive.

"She may not be Dr. Bailey's patient, but this is MY hospital, and you need to calm down Dr. Shepherd. Sit down. Now." Richard Webber finally spoke up from his seat at the desk. He stood, walking over to the distraught man, his voice being more soft and reassuring. "Getting angry isn't going to help Meredith, and we all want to help Meredith. Don't forget I've known her since she was a child." His voice shook slightly as well, but he had to be strong here. He couldn't worry about Meredith as the daughter he never had, he had to see her as a patient.

Derek had sat, getting a tired, sad look in his eyes. "I failed her. I knew the day she left that I had made the wrong choice, and I let her go. I didn't go after her. She didn't have to be alone during this. She didn't have to be alone. I failed her."

"You didn't fail her." Richard wasn't exactly sure how he was going to comfort his younger colleague when he wasn't even sure of his own words. "You did what you thought was right, you couldn't have known that this was going to happen."

"I made the wrong choice when I chose Addison. I knew it. Goddamn it, I KNEW it!" He surged to his feet again, unable to sit still. There were too many emotions coursing through his body. The most painful of them all was the guilt. He stayed with his wife to try to work it out because of the vows that he made. He was trying to be the better man, and all he did was push the love of his life away. All he could think about was how she had spent the past seven months carrying his baby all by herself. He should have been there, he should have known. If he would have gone after her, things would be alright. He would have taken care of her, and of their unborn daughter. The thought caused tears to spring to his eyes once again. How do you gain and lose something all in the same day?

There was a faint knock at the door and Addison peered her head in. Derek immediately started firing questions at her, unconcerned with everything except how Meredith was doing. "How is she? Is she awake? What's going on? Can I see her?" If he wasn't in the state of mind that he was in, he would have taken the pain in his wife's eyes into account, but nothing else mattered at the moment. He knew he was being irrational and should consider how this was affecting Addison, but he just couldn't.

"She's awake, and stable." Addison cleared her throat, struggling to find her voice at all. "Luckily there was no damage to her reproductive system. She should be just fine." Her eyes finally traveled over to meet Derek's. There was desperation in his eyes that told her that no matter what happened with Meredith, her marriage was over. She should have known that before she tried to come to Seattle to rekindle what was lost between them.

"Addison…" He pleaded, and she didn't even have to hear the question to know what he wanted.

"Go." It was strange, but as she watched her husband practically run from the room, it felt like goodbye.


	3. Chapter 2

"Meredith…" Izzie sat by Meredith's bed, her hands folded in her lap. She had set them there because she wasn't sure what else to do with them. She sat very still, her back straight, as if any sudden movement would set Meredith off. She barely recognized the person that used to be her friend, and her roommate. Her hair was no longer a dirty blonde, but a darker brown color. The pregnancy had caused her to gain a bit of weight, but she was still thin enough for Izzie to know she hadn't been taking care of herself. There were deep, dark circles under her eyes, and more lines had appeared around her eyes and mouth. She looked older, and she looked tired.

"Not now." Her voice was still the same, but tired. Very tired. The two words were just a weary plea from a woman who had been through too much.

"This…why didn't you tell us, Meredith? Why didn't you let us help you?" Izzie knew that she wasn't going to get answers, but she couldn't help the words from escaping, and felt an intense need to take care of the friend who ran away instead of letting her friends help her. She felt an innate sense of responsibility with Meredith, even with not speaking with her or seeing her for all those months.

"I said not now." Meredith didn't want to hear it. She didn't want the lectures and the pity. That was the reason she ran. That was the reason she still wanted to run. She just wanted to live her life with her child, away. Away from Derek, away from the life that had seemed to destroy her. A silence that Meredith welcomed hung between them before Izzie spoke again.

"We could have been there for you…we could have taken care of you. All of us were just left wondering why you left so suddenly. You didn't even say goodbye." Yes, getting angry at the woman who just lost her baby wasn't very smart, but Izzie never really listened to that little voice in her head that told her when she was going too far.

"I just couldn't, OK? I couldn't say goodbye because then I might have been convinced to stay, and I just couldn't stay. Not with him here." Meredith felt a surge of anger. What did Izzie know about what she had been through?

"So you just ran."

"I ran, and I really don't need your judgment right now."

"I know. I'm sorry…I just, I thought we were all friends. I thought we were a family." She decided to back off a bit, knowing that she did tend to get a bit judgmental at times and this was a time for support, not judgment.

"I don't have a family."

The words stung. "Meredith-"

"Just go. I want to be alone."

"They're going to find out, you know? Cristina, George, all of them. They are going to find out and they are going to want answers. We are going to want answers, because we care about you." Silence filled the room again, and Izzie stood up and left without another word.

* * *

"Are you OK?" Meredith had to laugh a bit on the inside as Cristina spoke for the first time since entering the room and sitting down.

"Do I look OK?"

"Sorry, it's just the question normal people ask in a situation like this." Cristina leaned back, propping her feet up on the edge of Meredith's bed. It surprised her how easily Cristina was able to fall back into their 'best friend' habits. She figured that it would be easy for Cristina since she was the only person Meredith kept in contact with after leaving Seattle Grace.

"We're not normal people."

"I told you after the first incident you had to take better care of yourself."

"Cristina, don't. I got enough with the judgmenty-whatever from Izzie. I know. I screwed up, and now my baby's dead." Saying it just made it more real, and Meredith one again got the painful feeling around her heart, as if someone was squeezing it with all of their strength.

"OK I know you're all 'dark and twisty' Meredith right now, but remember that I've been through this too. You can't blame yourself. We're doctors, we know stuff like this happens."

"Well then stop making me feel guilty." That seemed to work to end the discussion as they fell into their comfortable silence again.

"What are you going to do about McDreamy?"

Meredith scowled. "Don't call him that."

"Don't avoid the question."

"I don't know. Nothing." In fact, there was nothing scarier to Meredith at the moment than thinking about having to face Derek. This was why she left, this is what she was trying to avoid. She didn't want him to know, and she didn't need him to know.

"You can't just- It was his baby."

"I'm aware of that." The paternity of her child was never a question. It was Derek's. The day he told her it was over was still fresh in her mind, and she couldn't help but consider what might have happened if she had known about her pregnancy before then. Would it have made a difference? Was it really anything more to him than just an affair to get back at his adulterous wife? When she left Seattle, Meredith knew that she would never really know the answer to that question because it was over. It was just typical that the handsome, cocky, neurosurgeon she had fallen head over heels for had turned out to be too good to be true.

"He's going to make his way over here eventually, Bailey and the Chief have been keeping him away all day, but that is not going to stop him." Cristina never held back her honesty, and it was a trait Meredith usually admired her for, but not at the moment, although she did feel a rush of gratitude to her former resident and the Chief of Surgery for keeping him away.

"I don't want to see him, Cristina. I don't have to see him. I have nothing to say to him, and I sure as hell don't want to hear anything he has to say to me."

* * *

The door opened. Meredith forced her eyes to remain shut. She wasn't sure who the unwanted intruder was. Drifting in and out of sleep for about an hour, Meredith didn't once show any sign of being awake. She knew the moment was approaching where Derek would make his way to her room, and wanted to avoid that confrontation at all costs. The thought of facing him again produced many conflicting emotions. She was scared, ashamed, embarrassed, but most of all, she was prideful. As much as she blamed herself for working too hard, for putting her body under too much stress, every choice she had made since she left Seattle Grace was for her daughter's sake. The thought of being a mother scared the hell out of her. Having children had never even occurred to her, but when she decided to keep the child she and Derek had created, she vowed to be the best mother she could be. She wouldn't be like her mom, she wouldn't put her child second…and now she was never going to get the chance. Already, she had failed.

The chair beside her bed shifted. Meredith stiffened. Someone was sitting there, someone was sitting there waiting for her to wake up. Keeping her head turned toward the window, she kept her eyes clenched shut, and her breathing as even as possible with her heart racing madly in her chest. A soft, yet definitely male hand touched her arm and she jerked away, eyes snapping open. Her head whirled to the side before she could stop herself, and she felt the breath she was holding release.

"George." Even with her unwillingness to see her friends, she became more at ease knowing it was him.

"Hey Meredith…" He looked hesitant. "I'm sorry I startled you…I just…Izzie found me and….I wanted to see if you were OK." Meredith felt a surge of affection for him. He looked older, more mature, but he was still George.

"I'm fine. I'm dealing." Lies. She hadn't even begun to come to terms with the events of the past twenty-four hours. She wasn't sure she really wanted to face it. That was probably the most frustrating thing about being back at Seattle Grace; there were people who actually cared about her here. Caring and concern meant talking about it, it meant dealing.

"Fine….right." He didn't want to press. He knew she wasn't fine. Everyone at the hospital knew she wasn't fine. As much as Addison had tried to keep Meredith's appearance at the hospital under wraps, word had traveled and now everyone was talking about Dr. Shepherd's ex-mistress and the baby she lost. "It's good to see you, Meredith…" And that was all he said on the matter, and Meredith appreciated it.

* * *

Blinking against the abundant darkness, Meredith wondered how long she had been sleeping. The room was black, and it took several moments for her eyes to adjust. Hours had passed since George had left her room. George had actually stayed the longest of them all, talking with her about how their year had been going since she left. He was careful not to mention Derek, or anything that might have forced the conversation into uncomfortable territory. After that, the only person who made an appearance in her room was the nurse, who checked up on her and informed her that Dr. Shepherd would be checking on her in the morning. Soon after that, she had drifted off into sleep.

He didn't come, Meredith thought. As much as she didn't want to see him, deep down she needed to. She would be leaving the hospital soon, as soon as Addison discharged her, and he hadn't even come by to see how she was. Was Cristina wrong when she heard that everyone had been keeping Derek from her by force? When he heard about what happened…how did he react? Was he upset? All these questions flooded her at once and she wished she could just fall back asleep and forget about it all. Was it actually going to be that easy? She would leave, go back to her small apartment, back to work at Mercy West and move on with her life? Could that really be possible?

Sitting up slowly, she winced at the pain as her stitches pulled. A sick feeling washed over her. Where was her daughter? Where had they taken her after they cut it out of her? Meredith knew sleep was not going to come again easily, and slowly shifted to throw her legs over the side of the bed. Strong hands gripped her shoulders and Meredith let out a yelp of surprise. She found herself looking into two deep blue eyes, so dark they were almost black. The anger in them left her breathless and unable to speak, but she would recognize Derek Shepherd's eyes anywhere.

"What do you think you're doing??" He demanded, tightening his grip and then releasing it almost immediately when he saw her wince. "You know better. You just had surgery, for Christ's sake. Don't be stupid. Lay back down." The words were harsh, and it wasn't what Meredith expected. He was angry. Really angry. If he was feeling any remorse or sadness, he wasn't showing it. As he turned from her, pacing, she felt her own anger rise. Where did he get off yelling at her? Who did he think he was? She obeyed, lying back down, just because she knew he was right.

"What are you doing here?" She forced her voice to remain calm and detached. His back was still to her, and the anger seeped off of him in waves.

"How did this happen?" His fists were clenched, and his breathing labored. He paused, considering his words carefully. "You just left. One day and you were just gone. How could you not tell me? How could you not let me help you??"

"I didn't need your help, or anything else from you." She kept her gaze steady, and her voice emotionless. "You made your choice, and I made mine."

"Damnit, Meredith." He swore under his breath, and turned back toward the window. His tone was gentler now, and his voice quieter, though the anger and frustration still simmered under the surface. "You should have told me."

"What difference would that have made, Derek?" It was becoming more of a difficult task to keep her voice from betraying her emotions. "Sure, maybe if I had told you about the baby, you would have changed your mind about staying with Addison. But I didn't want that. You made your choice, and when I found out I was pregnant, I did what was best for me." Derek kept his back to her, his hands clenched around the windowsill. What bothered him the most was that she was right. He had chosen his wife over Meredith, against his better judgment. He had chosen, and shoved the woman he loved aside. Contradicting emotions stirred inside him. Anger at himself for setting these events into motion, frustration with Meredith for keeping the secret to herself, and sadness for the child he didn't even know existed.

"I can't tell you what would have happened if you told me. I'm not even sure myself. But no matter what you say, I'm not going to stop wishing you had told me. I'm not going to stop wishing I was there to help you, to be there for you, even if I couldn't be WITH you." Rubbing a hand over his face, he sighed. "We're both at fault here, Meredith. We both made mistakes, but I made the biggest mistake of all." He turned once again to look at her, and they stared at each other for a few moments. He couldn't tell her, not yet. He couldn't tell her he made the wrong choice, that he was in love with her and had regretted the day he broke her heart everyday for the past months. But he was sure of one thing, he would not let her run away this time. Derek had screwed things up, and he was going to make it right for Meredith. "You should get some sleep." He gave her one last look before leaving the room.


End file.
